timespunn

I feel timespunn. When one feels dizzy by the turning of time.
Right now, lying in bed next to sleeping Jóna. Just finished watching Eastbound & Down. I feel this rush of heartbeats when there shouldn’t be.
Soon Iceland will be over. The last school year is half way through. What do I do? There is nothing for me (to do) in Montréal, but my family is there. My staying here longer is a constant worry. Am I going to apply to the master’s degree in Finland for next year? Will I spend the next two years in Finland? With Jóna?
I don’t want to come back to Montréal to live without knowing what I would do.
Have I enjoyed my years here as much as I owe it to my (teenage) self? Am I really twenty two years old?
Was I really only 3-4 years old when the X-Files started? Have I really lived longer in Iceland than in the 80’s?

I will never be twenty two years old, no matter how many years I see. I’ve already forgotten the years I promised to never forget. I don’t want to not know these things, I don’t want to forget these years. I don’t want to have to think of memories in terms of years ago. Why can’t everything happen within a few months ago? I have no idea how many weeks pass by. Doing nothing of my days feels like closing my eyes on a swing – everything feels faster. I’m afraid I’ll wake up in may and will want to cry the last three years back to me.
Why does it seem like I have a deep inability to enjoy the present moment and take part in it? Another session spent at home. Another session, like the first one, the second one, the third one, the forth one. A fifth session of university that feels like nothing. School is too easy, or too hard for the wrong reasons. I never take part in things. I only work on my own language, learn Finnish on my own terms.
I don’t care about what people have to tell me. I just want to find out myself.

I have lost contact with nearly all my friends who were the center of my social life before I left. I never imagined 3 years could feel so long at home but so short in Iceland.
I guess since time never ends, never starts, is not palpable, continuous, it also exists in all speeds at once.

I wish I could get out of Reykjavík more often. Like this weekend. Just being outside. It is so endlessly good for me. And now that I go to the gym everyday, I know how easy it is to get to do something that is good.
I just want to live this slowly somewhere as slow as me. A city is a bad place to never do anything.
A forest is a great place to do nothing. Because you have to do so much to be there. Whereas I can wake up and stay naked for the whole day and never take a breath of fresh air and go to bed, and the day will have been nothing at all.

I wonder if I ever will move to the forest, like I want, like I plan.
I hope I do.
Build my house, build my language. It will feel like coming home, being able to see all those things I know how to describe in the language no one speaks.

Young Montrealer takes to the forest and disappears. Comes out 10 years later speaking an unidentified language. Is so rugged.

It feels so good to be 16 again.

I’m alright I’m alright I’m alright I’m alright. Yeah.